how long is one month?

hello world,

baby N came into the world september 9th, a friday. then, 4 fridays later, i had a conversation with my neighbor about N being a month old and she looked at me like i was crazy. the 9th of october wasn’t for 2 or 3 more days.

during my pregnancy, i counted weeks by turning to the next week every 7 days. for example, i was 28 weeks pregnant on monday and the next monday i would be 29 weeks along. once the baby arrives, no one counts progress that way anymore. i remember doing this with V, too. my husband just looked at me with a baffled expression. it actually took us a while to figure out the disparity.

how do you count the passage of baby time? by weeks or by calendar dates?

cm

labor fake out

dear world,

i’ve read a lot about labor and the process of birthing a baby. i’ve heard women share their birth stories. i’ve read other women’s birth stories. i know the signs of early labor. i guess i thought i would be able to recognize when i had those early signs. or at least have some clear indicator that i am in fact in labor and approaching the birth of a baby. it turns out, i have no idea!

in all the stories, it seemed so blatantly obvious. my contractions started, i labored at home for several hours before i went to the hospital, i took a shower and shaved my legs and then we almost didn’t make it, from the first contraction to the birth of my first only took 5 hours. no one mentioned being totally faked out.

yesterday, i had contractions for 5 hours, but no baby yet. this has happened 3 or 4 times now. i think i’m really getting going and then nothing. MHM asks, are they more intense? how am i supposed to know? it’s not his fault, but that question makes me even more distressed. i want them to be increasing in intensity, but i don’t physically know the feeling and don’t have anything to compare it to. i obviously don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like since i can’t differentiate between practice contractions and productive contractions. in case you haven’t guessed, i’m feeling a little frustrated.

last week, i felt fairly zen about the process of pushing a baby out. my body knows what it’s doing and will tell me when it’s time. this week, after explaining to the 43rd person in a row at work that i’m not having any contractions right now and am really ready to meet this baby, i’m feeling a little less peaceful and more discouraged. the worst part is that i’m only discouraged because i keep getting hopeful that i might be in labor.

i thought i would be able to perceive my body’s signals better. a little disappointed in myself,

cm

appeal of induction

hello world,

all through this pregnancy, i’ve been focused on how to labor without drugs, how to make sure my body is prepared to push this baby out the way bodies have done it forever, how to manage pain with as little intervention as possible. (for me, medical emergencies do not count as failure. i would rather everyone survive.)

at my last doctor’s visit, she told me we would at least wait until my due date to induce, but that we should talk about what that means at our next visit, if i make it. ok, i said, like it was the most natural next step in the world.

at this point, induction appeals to me on so many levels. i can plan for when the baby will come. i can count on a date/time. i know when i need to properly tie up all my loose ends at work and make sure someone has the pieces i’ve left for follow up. i will know when i get to meet my new baby. i will no longer be pregnant. i am a planner. i like to know what time things will happen. shockingly, nature doesn’t work like this.

now, i feel like i have a choice ahead of me. how long do i wait before i agree? if i agree, pitocin causes contractions that are about 100 times stronger than natural contractions (someone described the feeling as blue-lightening) which means then i’ll need some form of pain medication to manage the pain as opposed to the breathing and movement i’d counted on to get me through. i guess what i’m learning is even though i’m having a completely different pregnancy, there is no normal.

naturally,

cm

38 weeks and still waiting

dear world,

i seriously didn’t expect to be carrying this baby for this amount of time. in june, when i stopped travelling, i said i’d be happy if i made it to the end of july. well, here it is – the last day of august and no baby yet. i think she’s waiting for september.

because V was so early, i couldn’t understand how expectant mothers could tire of being pregnant. it seemed like such a luxury to me, not having been able to do it myself. i have a very different understanding now. developmentally, the baby is ready to survive outside my body and i am ready to meet her. let’s get moving. however, i am not in charge.

a lovely side effect of being this far along is that everyone i call answers the phone fully prepared for me to be in labor even if i’m calling about something unrelated like work, school, you name it. should i need to leave a message, i now preface all my voicemails with “no baby yet, here’s why i’m calling”. especially if i need to leave a message for my husband while he’s at school. it’s fairly challenging to reach one’s partner for a non-baby-time issue and not freak everybody out.

readier than i ever thought possible,

cm

6:30am – 7am, friday morning

good morning world,

my husband leaves for work at 6:30am and V has to be up by 7am to make it out the door on time. this morning, somehow, i managed to get 6:30am – 7am all by myself. i’m already dressed and ready for the day.

as i walked down the stairs i thought, maybe i should just read my book and drink a cup of coffee. wouldn’t that be nice? then i realized i had to bring my lunch today and to be honest, i’d rather spend the time before V wakes up getting my lunch packed than missing the small amount of V and mommy time that’s left before the new baby comes. i think i’m going to miss our mornings alone together most of all.

i’ve been reading a lovely blog lately that i found linked from the working mother blog site and she had a top ten list of ways you know you’re a working mom that made me laugh this week. you can find the full list here. i’ve been thinking a lot about being a mother who works full time lately, especially as i near maternity leave and walking away from it for a while. the one that stood out to me the most is regarding travel. she says, you know you’re a working mom when you avoid travel in order to come home and be with the kids. when i was younger, even after we were married, i took all the travel i could. now, i take the early flight out and the late flight back because i know i can at least have morning time the next morning even if i miss a day in the middle.

so, here i sit, drinking my coffee, waiting for V to wake up or another 5 minutes to pass and i’ll go wake her up. and we’ll start our morning. but i’ll be able to focus the whole time on her and not have to divide my attention 6 different ways to get out the door on time.

worth getting up a little earlier,

cm

ps- i spoke with a co-worker yesterday who is expecting her first baby in novemeber. she told me she usually gets up at 7:30am. i couldn’t help laughing. i don’t remember the last time i slept until 7:30am.

37 weeks – full term with a month to go?!

dear world,

i made it to full term. and now i’m ready to have this baby. right now. i don’t want to wait anymore. however, believe it or not, i’m not in charge of this process.

a good girlfriend of mine told me yesterday, you know, you still have a month to go. in my head, i know this, but in my hopes i wish i didn’t. i had contractions all day monday up until 10pm when i finally went to bed. my doctor told me it would be nice to sleep through labor, but highly unlikely. i slept through the night. no baby yet.

with V, we didn’t have time to wait. she just arrived. with this baby, it’s the opposite issue. it turns out, waiting has its own challenges.

not feeling that patient,

cm

36 weeks – a sigh of relief

dear world,

i am 36 weeks along and according to my doctor, i am close enough to go ahead and have this baby like any normal mother. i made it close enough to full term!

to be honest, i feel so relieved. it’s also very strange to suddenly shift from hoping my body cooperates by not going into labor ahead of schedule to ok, let’s do it. my doctor said that instead of “call us for anything” i should now not call them until i can’t talk/function normally through a contraction. i simply didn’t believe i would make it this far and feel suddenly unprepared.

has anyone else had this experience? shifting from no, not now to ok, let’s do it?

curiously,

cm

sweet – tart

dear world,

as i near the end of this pregnancy, people keep asking me if i’m getting excited. or if i’m ready to meet this new baby. i have a good line. i am excited. yes, we’re as ready as we can be. yes, i’m feeling big and tired.

to be truthful, i am excited, but whenever my life is going to change this much i always feel apprehensive, too. i don’t think i ever took the time to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the arrival of a new baby. with V, she was born and we got to know her before we brought her home.

i never expected to get this far into a pregnancy. i assumed the baby would come early like V and we would figure it out because that’s what you do when a baby comes. but now, i’ve had 8 1/2 months to prepare and i don’t feel like i know what to expect. and i feel like V is about to have a major shift in how much time she has with each of us. and i still love having her all to myself.

also, i like being pregnant. there are clear discomforts and changes that simply don’t happen to a non-pregnant person. i wanted so much to experience a “normal” pregnancy that i’m a little sad that it’s almost over. these past months will be a time that i remember and reflect on, but most likely won’t repeat.

i guess, at this point in my life, in creating a life, in living this life, i feel bittersweet. i love the shape of my family and i love the shape of my body. i’m looking forward to the new baby. i’m scared about how my life will shift. how will V really react to a new baby? how will MHM react to a new baby? how will we get to know this new person and fit her into our regular routines?

trying to spend as much alone time with V as possible,

cm

taking it easy

dear world,

it’s been a week now that i’ve been having the braxton hicks contractions off and on. i’m still pregnant and there’s no discernible pattern, but i have to take it easy.

today at work, every time i would get up from my desk, i would have one. if i sat quietly by myself at my computer and worked without walking anywhere i was fine. this can be challenging because my office is at the opposite end of the building from the rest of my team. (but i have a wall of windows! i can’t give up a wall of windows… who cares if my office is tiny. i can see outside!)

this afternoon, i called the nurse line because i have my yoga class each week and i really wanted to go. she said it was up to me, but she wouldn’t recommend it. but it was up to me. well, of course it’s up to me. who else is going to actually going to make or not make me do something, but i got the point. i’m totally bummed.

i really looked forward to that class every week. it was my space to move and focus on my breath and my body. my space to be around other pregnant ladies and share that time. i’m really disappointed. i also understand that if i keep having contractions, i’ll have a baby and i’m still 2 weeks away from full term.

foiled by my own body,

cm

practice makes perfect

hello world,

i’ve been having practice contractions (aka braxton hicks contractions) this week which makes me a little nervous that this baby is coming ahead of schedule again. i saw the nurse practitioner today and she gave me good instructions and some solid reassurance that the contractions i’ve been having are not productive. at this point in pregnancy, that’s great news. i don’t want productive contractions right now. i’m 34 weeks 5 days along and full term is 37 weeks.

V and me at 34 weeks

tonight, MHM and i planned to attend a going away party for one of my former  co-workers and her new husband, but rest, relaxation and hydration are the keys to not going into labor at the moment so we’re staying home. the NP said activity like prolonged standing, walking, lifting and such are off limits for a couple days to see if my system will settle down. a going away party sounds like prolonged standing to me.

she also said that just being tired can cause these contractions. i never made it this far into a pregnancy to know that yet. it’s all new for me at the moment. i’m at once reveling in it and anxious. i will probably never feel these feelings or sensations (physically or emotionally) again. i feel slightly obligated to appreciate the whole experience as a result, including the uncomfortable stuff.

relaxing,

cm