stockpiling

dear world,

i am scheduled for surgery monday morning. my arrival time is 5:15am. and i feel like i am collecting experiences and magazines in anticipation of a long hospital stay and recovery.

today is the last day i get to eat real food for a good while. we had a yummy steak and baked potatoes for dinner. i finished our gin and we opened a bottle of wine to enjoy with real wine glasses. V even suggested candles for dinner. ostensibly for father’s day. in my mind, a farewell to dining for an indeterminate amount of time.

tomorrow, i’m on a clear liquids diet. the clear liquids diet always makes me sad. i feel like there are very few food choices more depressing than a bowl of chicken broth. i feel sad just thinking about it. and i hate jello. so tomorrow, i will be sad because i’ll be hungry all day. the most redeeming thing about the clear liquids diet is that inexplicably, coffee is a clear liquid. hooray!

then monday morning, i go into the hospital until they say i can leave. i guess i’m also leaving control of my life at the door. i’m not in charge for the next 4-6 weeks. but it’s so different from having  a baby. then, it’s my body that knows what it’s supposed to do. nature is quite smart and i felt like i could trusts my body to get me where i needed to go. now, it’s my body that thinks its own self is the enemy, hence my hospital stay. the nurses are now in charge. not me. when i come home all depends on how i heal.

i also feel like i’m savoring each little experience with my girls. i know we have a day together tomorrow, but they’re spending the night at nana’s house and i’m not going to see them for about a week. it’s not the same as being home. and it’s not the same as it’s going to be when i get home. i feel like i need to pick each of them up 100 times tomorrow to make up for the 1000 times i’m not going to be able to in the coming weeks. ugh. stockpiling hugs and kisses.

so i am also stockpiling magazines. i have no attention span when i feel bad. i have 2 parenting magazines, the new vanity fair, real simple and working mother. and i downloaded two new books on my nook in case i am capable of paying attention to something longer than an hour.

prepared as i can be,

cm

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