still nursing this girl

dear world,

almost three months ago now, i wrote about giving up breastfeeding because my doctor prescribed a medication that’s unsafe for babies. however, here i am still nursing baby N. now, my conflict is reversed.

i am so glad to be able to still feed her. i’ll admit, it’s a pain pumping at work. there are a million more dishes at night and i have to gracefully step out of meetings to sequester myself in my office for 15 minutes, 3 times a day. but, she’s still thriving on my milk. and, even though i’m tired, i get up with her in the night and feed her with both of us half asleep. it’s exhausting, but peaceful.

the problem now is that the insurance company won’t approve the medication. and i still don’t feel well. i’m torn between wanting the drug so i feel better and holding on to nursing my girl.

i don’t have a resolution. and i’m not really complaining. it’s a strange place to be- the in between. i feel like i have to take advantage of every moment because i don’t know when they’re going to approve the drug and it’ll be over. it’s kind of like travelling by airplane. you know eventually you’ll get where you’re going, but you are not in charge and cannot predict if you’ll have a direct flight or if mechanical difficulties will keep you in between home and your destination for days.

waiting for an answer,

cm

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