thinking about trying again

dear world,

i have a chronic illness that finally is under control. i’ve gone through phases of feeling good and feeling bad over the past 2 years and about 2 months ago finally hit upon the combination of medications that works for me. when MHM and i talked about it after i started feeling better, we decided that if i could stay on these drugs and feel good for 4 months then we would try for another baby.

since i’ve felt so good for 2 months, we talked about trying sooner- starting next month. i needed a prescription refilled and the doctor wants to step down one of the medications. now, i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to change anything and everything i’m taking is safe during pregnancy, but now MHM has reservations.

i feel so frustrated. i got my hopes up and feel like they’ve been dashed to the ground. if i have to step down off this one medication in particular, my body freaks out. i know what will happen and it means i can’t carry a baby because i will feel that bad. it’s not good for me and it is risky for a pregnancy. the hardest part is that i thought we were all on the same page with the same understanding of how to plan a baby. it turns out that MHM would rather wait and i would not. which means we wait.

i meet with the doctor next month and will have a better conversation then, but shifting my brain from go to wait is difficult for me. i feel like if i wait too long then i’ll miss the window of feeling good and we’ll never have another baby. i wonder if other mother’s go through this same internal battle?

i have 2 girlfriends who are newly pregnant and 2 others close to the end of their pregnancies. all of them are 2nd or 3rd children. and here we are unable to decide if my body can handle it. i wish that wasn’t a consideration. the worst part is when people tell me that i have lots of time and i’m still young. i wish that was a factor, but it isn’t. if i’m young and can’t count on my body that simply exaggerates the trouble.

maybe or maybe not,

cm

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