expecting: a loss

dear world,

as a good friend said, my body has a hard time growing babies. i went to the doctor this week and learned that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. the remarkable thing is that it took my body 3 weeks to figure it out. i kept all the symptoms of pregnancy until wednesday of last week and almost immediately my body changed.

this is a fairly common occurrence – 10-15% of pregnancies end this way, but it doesn’t feel common to me. i feel bad – disappointed, frustrated. something didn’t line up right in the beginning and this is nature’s way of making sure that i didn’t carry a baby to term that wouldn’t be able to survive on its own. for that, i am grateful.

but, the big question is what next? can i do this again? is it just tempting fate? i’m not ready to answer that question right now, but it’s on my mind. and i’m awake. i’ve never been one to have insomnia, but i woke up at 2:30am and now it’s 4am. and here we are.

cm

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