sunday afternoon

dear world,

we had a lovely sunday afternoon. it’s been so long since i’ve been able to say that. seriously.

the baby actually took a real nap (2 1/2 hours!). V played quietly by herself with no prompting. MHM graded his school work and i sat in the dining room sewing a blanket for V. no one fought. no one fussed. i didn’t feel guilty for not exercising since i have a terrible cold and can’t breathe out on my nose anyway.

it was peaceful.

having an afternoon like that gives me hope that there will be more in the future and that one day i won’t always be so tired and in constant motion.

it doesn’t take much for me to relax,

cm

ps- i should note that i have also been up since 4:30am when the baby decided she was done sleeping for the night. oh well.

lovely lashes

dear world,

as i read a magazine shortly after N was born, i found the best tip ever. it said, if you’re applying mascara on top of mascara (like if you’re dressing up to go out of an evening) wet your eye lashes before applying an additional coat. mascara needs something to stick to and this will help your mascara not get clumpy. bingo!

now, i know the magazine people meant this for people with social lives who leave the office or workplace for a night on the town, but as the mother of a newborn i’m lucky if i remember to take my make up off before i go to sleep at night. and let’s face it, at that moment if i could sleep for 5 more minutes or spend 5 minutes taking off my eye make up sleep was going to win.

now, when i neglect to take my make up off before bed, i’ll often take it off in the morning before i start again, but simply coating my eye lashes with a little water from the tap reduces those clumps like anything. and then at least i don’t look like i’m too tired to take my make up off.

i also found a pretty great mascara and i’ve tried a bunch. i’m currently using benefit they’re real. the lady at sephora recommended it to me. she had kind of crazy eye lashes, but i think that’s part of their job description is to not look like the rest of us.

hope you find time to take off your make up,

cm

morning math

dear world,

i realized recently that every morning when my alarm goes off, i make a rapid calculation about what i’m going to do next. there are 4 options:

1. go back to sleep for as long as possible
2. do yoga
3. take a shower
4. feed the baby

i set my alarm for 5:05am with the full intention of getting out of bed, going downstairs and doing yoga for at least 20 minutes and 30 if i have hope the baby will sleep. but when that alarm goes off, the question of what weighs more rolls through my mind. if the baby was up a bunch in the night, sleep weighs more than yoga. if i’ve been particularly stressed, yoga weighs more than sleep. if i haven’t made it into the shower in a couple days, showering outweighs sleep and yoga.

and then there’s the baby. she has been on a 5am or 5:30am wake up plan lately. no sooner do i begin my yoga practice than i will hear her start to peep upstairs. or cry. even when i try to arrange for MHM to care for her so i can at least finish my practice, i’d rather feed her than have to pump so i stop the program and head upstairs. feeding the baby weighs more than everything.

so far this week i’ve just accepted that she’s going to be up a lot in the night and i’m tired. i’ve stopped fooling myself and i am not even going to attempt to do yoga this week. i’d like to sleep past 5:30am just once this week and catch up a little. then maybe i can start to add yoga back into that morning equation.

not a numbers person,

cm

 

the drive-thru: lazy or lovely?

dear world,

i read two completely different blog posts recently referring to the drive thru. you know, how you can pull up to starbucks, order your coffee and not have to get out of your car? i live in ohio deep in the middle of america. there are drive thrus everywhere.

apparently, drive thru banking is uniquely american. this never occurred to me before, even though i’ve travelled somewhat. most other countries have walk up ATMs or people go into the actual bank to do their banking. i remember being young and sitting in the van with my sisters while my mom did all her banking through the window. the little plastic door opened, she removed the tube, put whatever she put inside it and then it got sucked up, up, up and over into the bank. i can still hear the sound. (and it always came back with a sucker for each of us.)

it never occurred to me that maybe she went through the drive through because there were 3 of us and it was a pain to get us out of the car, into the bank, maintain good behavior and back into the car. maybe drive thru banking was made for her.

which is where the other blog post comes in. michelle noehren writes,

As a mom with a child under the age of 1 who loves to nap in the car, I have come to have a deep appreciation for places that have drive-thru’s. Just the other day I needed to pick up a prescription for antibiotics that I had to begin taking that evening. I picked up the baby from daycare and she fell asleep in the car by the time I got to CVS (my local pharmacy). It was incredibly cold outside and I just couldn’t bring myself to wake her up, carry her from the car to the store in below freezing temperatures, just to spend 5 minutes getting my medicine. Then I remembered that CVS has a drive thru pharmacy – score! I happily waited my turn in line, sitting in my warm car with my little girl sleeping peacefully in the back seat. (I’ve also had to use the Starbucks drive thru for similar reasons)

i am that person now. with two kids in the car, i have literally not gone places because i couldn’t fathom getting them both out without major disaster. i haven’t gone through the starbucks’ drive thru yet, but only because there isn’t one on my way to anywhere. i used to think that drive thru coffee or prescriptions or any of the other million ways americans don’t have to get out of their cars was because as a culture, we can be lazy. now, i know: some of us really, really need to keep the car running, to keep the baby sleeping.

slightly shifting my perspective,

cm

a great evening

dear world,

remember when a great evening meant dressing up, meeting friends at some sort of establishment like a restaurant or bar and hangout until it was time to go home? like when the bar closed or even maybe midnight? remember not going out until 9pm?

well, last night i had a great night. both kids were in bed and asleep by 9pm. my husband M brought me two cookies after i came downstairs from settling V down one last time. i poured myself a glass of wine and drank it on my sofa in my pajamas while reading my book. and then i went to bed. i think i fell asleep by 9:30pm. isn’t it funny how things change?

not exactly feeling nostalgic,

cm

the joy of a good bargain

dear world,

i totally got a good deal this morning. and i’m pretty proud of myself for doing it, too. you see, it’s rather expensive to have two kids in daycare at the same time and our budget is tight. it’s my job to *not* spend money on stuff we don’t need. it’s my job to remember to try to mostly spend money on stuff we *do* need or at least really, really want.

i bought a pair of khaki pants from the gap right before the holidays when i thought my size had stabilized. and i really love them. they fit great and they were really comfortable, until i lost more weight went down another size. the good news is that i’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight. the bad news is that these pants really are too big now. they look baggy.

i mulled and mulled and decided that indeed, i need a new pair that fit. and i was determined to get a good deal. i listened to this story on npr the other day about how women generally get a better deal when buying a car. well, i wanted a good deal on these pants.

first, i went to the actual store to try the pants on (i wasn’t exactly sure what size to purchase.) with my 30% off in-store-only coupon in my pocket. i tried on the trousers. i figured out what size to buy, but when i looked at the ticket it said $54.95. i felt pretty confident that they cost less online. so i left the store with no pants and figured i would wait for an online coupon to come in my emails.

this morning, my moment arrived. i had a 40% off online-only coupon. the pants were on sale online for $39.99 and i had an additional $10 off. i bought two pairs for $40.53. and i got free shipping. i rule.

sticking to our budget,

cm

i don’t know how you do it

dear world,

remember that book, i don’t know how she does it? well, someone asked me that question this week. i’m sure i’ve been asked that question before, but this week it resonated for some reason.

my work week got a little overwhelming this week, but i managed. part of what i do is staff development and after coming back from the holidays (and maternity leave) i had about 2 weeks to revise, update and run a two-day training. the training itself went well, but i busted my you know what to get it there. (and i got more negative feedback than i expected which is kind of a bummer. at least i know what i need to do next.)

thursday, i got the girls up and out of the house like usual then went up to the facility to check in with the facilitators and get started. we worked until after 8pm. everyone was asleep when i got home. then we did it all over again friday morning, but we finished a little ahead of schedule and i got to pick them up from school. friday morning, as we’re getting ready to get started, one of my co-workers turned to me and said, “i dont’ know how you do it.” and all i could think was, well, i have to.

it’s hard to balance work and kids. and housework. and date night. mostly, i feel like we manage to keep our kids healthy and safe if not always happy and both of us get our work done. but could we do more? in theory, yes. in practice, nope. i’m barely getting this done.

if i plan to yoga in the morning, then hit snooze for 15 minutes, i miss my window. i have to schedule a shower. i don’t know how i do it either, but at least it gets done… most of the time.

striving for more than the minimum,

cm

ps- i should note that housework falls into the “when i have the time” category fairly often. to illustrate, the cat tracked muddy paw prints all through the downstairs which really necessitated mopping. and by the time i finished using the steam mop this morning, my shoulder hurt! that’s right, i have a sore muscle because of the steam mop. i rule.

still nursing this girl

dear world,

almost three months ago now, i wrote about giving up breastfeeding because my doctor prescribed a medication that’s unsafe for babies. however, here i am still nursing baby N. now, my conflict is reversed.

i am so glad to be able to still feed her. i’ll admit, it’s a pain pumping at work. there are a million more dishes at night and i have to gracefully step out of meetings to sequester myself in my office for 15 minutes, 3 times a day. but, she’s still thriving on my milk. and, even though i’m tired, i get up with her in the night and feed her with both of us half asleep. it’s exhausting, but peaceful.

the problem now is that the insurance company won’t approve the medication. and i still don’t feel well. i’m torn between wanting the drug so i feel better and holding on to nursing my girl.

i don’t have a resolution. and i’m not really complaining. it’s a strange place to be- the in between. i feel like i have to take advantage of every moment because i don’t know when they’re going to approve the drug and it’ll be over. it’s kind of like travelling by airplane. you know eventually you’ll get where you’re going, but you are not in charge and cannot predict if you’ll have a direct flight or if mechanical difficulties will keep you in between home and your destination for days.

waiting for an answer,

cm

i adore my children, really, i do

dear world,

i realized that i’ve shared a great deal of my frustration with my little ones recently. i come by it honestly. we’ve had some trying times lately in the behavior department. but, i love my children. i really do.

i read a blog post this week called don’t carpe diem that really struck a cord with me. the author speaks about the women with grown children who come up to her in the line at target and tell her to cherish every moment- it just goes by so fast. i don’t know about you, but i always feel a little bitter when these women say this stuff to me. i know i should enjoy it, but it’s not always easy when your kid flat out refuses to put her coat on and it’s snowing outside. and you really do have to go and you’re pretty sure her shoes are coming off next. but you’re not supposed to feel bitter and she talks about this feeling so well.

she also writes an obvious truth: parenting is hard. we don’t think about this very often because everyone has kids and everyone raises them. it’s just what you do. seriously, though, it’s really hard to do a good job.

the part that stands out the most is when she discusses time:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. It’s those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

i had one of those moments tonight. as i sat on the sofa, holding the baby after she ate, i looked over at V. she was watching diego and rocking in her rocking chair that she got for christmas. diego was telling us to “shake, shake” and she shook her little self. it was super sweet. she wasn’t showing off. she wasn’t being stubborn. she was so into the program that her whole body followed along. i love that.

choosing to cherish the magical moments,

cm

dance class dilemma

dear world,

V is taking dance classes. just as the holidays were getting underway, V revealed that her favorite thing to do is dance. and that she wants to be a ballerina when she grows up. we pulled up some videos of the nutcracker on YouTube and she loved it. and dance along with the sugar plum fairy. it seemed to be a real interest.

we checked out a dance studio and let her try a class. (the first class is free!) she adored it. she went right in and didn’t look back. she followed her teacher. she interacted with the other little girls. so, for christmas, we asked for dance lessons from one of her grandparents and went ahead and enrolled her.

obviously, there was a break over the holidays. no dance on christmas eve. no dance on new year’s eve. but all that is over now and we’re back to normal.

sort of. this past saturday, she was thrilled to put her tutu dress back on. she wanted to bring a cereal bar in the car. there was no fussing about leaving the house. and when we got there, she wouldn’t go in. i mean seriously, she hid her face in her arm. she literally wouldn’t participate in the class. the studio is set up so the kids go into a separate room and parents can watch on a monitor outside the classroom and she’s never had a reservation about it before. this time, i even went into the room and sat with her for a couple of minutes, but she refused to join the class. she wouldn’t even walk over with her teacher. so we left. i didn’t want to sit there and disrupt the other kids.

here’s my dilemma: dance is not mandatory and i don’t want to make her do something she doesn’t want to do. but the other side of that is we are spending a lot of money on dance classes that she said she wanted. but she’s three. does she actually have any idea what she wants long term? i don’t know. i’m torn between wanting her to go to see it through, not wanting to make her do something she doesn’t want to do and wasting all that money on a class she’ll probably never attend again. (did i read the contract regarding cancellation before i signed? of course not.)

to V’s very great credit, she did not throw a fit. it was like she was actually scared. my child who never met a stranger suddenly couldn’t bring herself to be in a class without her mommy. sometimes, i forget that she’s still a little kid. she’s so stubborn and independent and strong willed that when she isn’t, i’m surprised.

not sure how to handle a change of behavior,

cm